In light of the fact that I am leaving for India in about 12 days, and doing a lot of thinking and planning and preparing and beginning to draft up last-minute shopping lists and realizing that no, really, I still don’t have my visa, and contemplating the fact that I should possibly panic – and that I just finished my typhoid pills today – I thought I’d write up a list of the most irritating things people have said to me about India. Most of these things have, in fact, been expressed to my face, with varying degrees of literalism. There is room for exaggeration, but I don’t have to use it much. People are ignorant enough on their own.
So here I present to you, Gentle Reader, INDIA BINGO. Or, The Top 10 Things That Irk Me When People Say, “India?”
10. “India, wow. Isn’t that dangerous?” I’m usually willing to cut these people some slack because this is a personal peeve rather than a factual one, or a sin of arrogance. Yes, sure, there are “areas of conflict” in India. There have been several terrorist and suicide attacks, in recent months even. The weather conditions, health conditions, sanitation in some areas, and distinct distance from all things Western and Right could, in some books, earn it the label of “dangerous”. But so is just about anywhere else. The Middle East? Is water wet? Europe? Violent riots in France every year, and terrorist attacks throughout Spain, the United Kingdom, Eastern Europe, and not to mention the healthy doses of anti-Semitism. Latin America? Narcoterrorism, kidnapping, yellow fever, I mean, these are all possibilities. If we want to talk possibilities. Africa? Yeah-huh. The States? September 11th did happen here after all. And violent crime rates are very high. And and and – you get my point. Yes, India is dangerous. So is walking to school in the morning. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. I’ll take my chances.
09. “India, huh? Well, let me tell you all about India…” This is even better when it comes from someone who’s watched a documentary on the Discovery Channel once when they were twelve. The assumptions, from all around – my father, my friends, my Abroad Program Advisor – that I haven’t done the least bit of my homework, or perhaps that I can’t read altogether, has moved past grating and into maddening. Yes, I have a rough draft of the country’s geography. Yes, I know the climate and what the weather will be like and what health risks I face and what to expect culturally and how to dress, behave, conduct myself, and how to break every single bone in a person’s foot with one move. Guess what, Protestant White American Who Went To Canada That Once? I probably know more about India than you do. Way more. Sit down.
08. “Um. Wow. What on Earth made you pick India?” Sometimes asked out of interest, sometimes out of awe, and every once in a while out of smugness, like they can’t understand why I would want to go somewhere farther than New Jersey where the people are all savages that live in teepees and wear feathers – that was the Indians, right? Hur hur. I’ve begun concocting a number of answers to this question, ranging in obnoxiousness from timid to Sarah Silverman On A Bad Day. Some answers include:
- Why not?
- Because I can’t afford to live anywhere else.
- Because I always have to be difficult.
- Well, they say that 90% of accidents occur around the home. I figured I had to get as far away from home as possible.
- India? Oh, shit, no, I meant to say Indiana.
07. “But how are you going to get around? Do you speak, like, Indian?” This is only slightly less offensive than the people who have asked me if I speak Jewish. I know these people mean well. That’s why it’s so painful. That and… colonialism, bitch. They have heard of the English language in those parts. If not because of the British, then at least because of Dell.
06. *wrinkles nose* “I would never want to go there.” Well crap. What am I going to do with that extra plane ticket now?!
05. “But… how can you have family there if you’re white?” Oh my G-d, Karen, you can’t just ask people why they’re white.
04. “That’s so cool! I love Indian people. I work with someone from India.” Fashion tip? Your mouth generally looks better closed.
03. “My ex-boyfriend’s mother’s boss’s nephew’s daughter’s fiance’s goat went to India one time, and he said…” How did your brain even learn human speech? I’m just so curious.
02. “Whatever. I wouldn’t want to leave this country.” Unfortunately, I’m not quite as easily satisfied as an International Relations major who is required to spend a semester abroad and speaks three languages and is interested in globalization and an international society and foreign cultures. Some of us are actually attracted to the idea of challenging ourselves, going outside of our comfort zone, and experiencing the world from a perspective and in a society that is not majority White, majority Christian, majority… moron?
And the #1 spot on the INDIA BINGO Card…
01. “No, really, why India?” Because it was the only place I could think of that wouldn’t extradite me.
